Monday, January 6, 2014

Keep Your Body Inside The House At All Times

I hear it's cold out. I wouldn't know. It started off in the 40's here today and supposed to end up below zero. Then back up to the 50's this weekend. It's kind of like a rollercoaster but instead of getting those photos taken at the big drop you get hypothermia and really high electric bills. The Onion had some good suggestions for keeping warm, thank goodness:

  • Body heat is the best kind of warmth. Simply cut your chest open and place your appendages inside where it’s nice and toasty.
  • Trick your brain into feeling warm by sticking flame decals on all of your possessions.
  • Whenever coming inside from the freezing outdoors, remember to shiver and say “brrr.”
  • Prevent heat from escaping by putting a hat on your thermostat.
  • For the toastiest spot in the house, head to the fireplace and crawl under burning logs.
  • Develop a thick layer of protective blubber through millions of years of evolution.
  • Keep heat in your body by tightly packing all orifices with fiberglass insulation.
  • Adopt several dogs from the local shelter, bring them home, and snuggle up next to them until you are heated throughout. Return them when finished.
  • Crouch low to the ground to cover both legs with your feathers

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