Noam Knows Zombies

kablooey

Paranoiapocalypse

It must've been because I left the weather channel on last night when we went to bed and all the paranoia sunk into our heads, because this morning we both woke up and said, "we should go to the grocery store." We feared for the worst, a madhouse, empty shelves, rioting in the streets, etc.

This is what we saw...

Ample supply and minimal clientele. They were out of D batteries, but we found them next door, so, disaster averted.

So we got out a about, no riots, no apocalypse, yet. This is supposed to be a doozy. We got our power outage preparedness kit together.

Candles: check. Flashlights: check. Water: check. Oranges: check.

Zombies: 4 And Counting

I know, not the image you were hoping to wake up to, but maybe that's the point in writing this.

Anyone else notice the zombie apocalypse has begun? I have. And maybe I've spent too many hours watching the Walking Dead or the video for Thriller but these past few days have had more than their fair share of disgusting stories of people freaking out and eating someone else, zombie style, or just doing strange and gruesome things.

I know you heard about the guy in Miami who got his face eaten off by some ravaging nudist that ingested bath salts. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT look at the after photo.

There was some dude in Baltimore that carved up and ate the heart and brain of his friend. Nice friend.

Then the guy up in Jersey who cut out his own intestines and threw them at police as they tried to arrest him. Uhm gross.

And, of course, the cage fighter from California that freaked out on mushroom tea and tore out the still beating heat of his workout buddy and "tore off his face" with his bare hands. That's why I don't workout.

I don't know what it is, I don't believe these people are dying and coming back to life to wander the Earth in search of human flesh, but something weird is going down. Why else would the CDC have put up this zombie preparedness page just a couple weeks ago? People are doing crazy stuff out there and I'm starting to think Laura is right in wanting that shotgun. Bears don't scare me. Zombie bears on the other hand...

Sorry about the morning freakshow. Maybe I'll post some kittens to make up for it.

2012: Well... This Is It

People are really starting to take this whole end of the world thing seriously since it turned 2012. Facebook, news television, Laura. I blame the History Channel. It's all a little crazy if you ask me. Not that I don't believe it will happen, which I don't, but even if it does, so what. I welcome a little fire and brimstone or floods and falling skies, whatever version you like. Shake things up a bit. I'm apocalypse ready.

But for those of you who will spend the next 12 months hiding under your dining room table, see if this eases your mind any.




And if that doesn't work, this should.

Flip Flop Apocalypse

How embarrassing for you History Channel. For years now you've been telling us that the end of the word is coming. You were so sure of yourself, on December 21st 2012 you said, mark your calendars! In your programs you told of a series of events that would lead to the untimely, yet mostly deserved, end of the human race and while none of those things have happened, it seems you got egg on your face. So yesterday I happened to tune into a new program about a new prediction about a new date for the end of time. This time it comes from Isaac Newton. Playing it safe and using the name of a well respected physicist, mathematician & astronomer is not giving you any more validity. Nice try. But I watched and followed the logic, Newton deciphering the Book of Daniel, finding hidden code and using that code to add and subtract numbers from cryptic event descriptions throughout history. Oh boy. This one's a doozy. Read for yourself...



Long story short, it's 2060. No exact date, just a year. So we got time folks. I'm guessing I'll be dead, or too old to care, so I'll just make sure Yuula knows. I think I'm boycotting this apocalypse countdown phenomenon. I read this morning that the Mayan calendar predicted the earthquake & tsunami in Japan. If that were true well then you guys are just jerks for not saying it last week. That's why we deserve to be wiped out.I vote for the zombie version tho.

We Are Salted Meats

Here's something to get your weekend started off on the right foot.

Researchers have created an electromechanical sommelier for identifying wines, cheeses, and meats. However during one exhibition the terrible, terrible future was revealed in the childlike voice of the robot.

When some smart aleck reporter placed his hand in the robot’s omnivorous clanking jaw, he was identified as bacon. A cameraman then tried and was identified as prosciutto.

Prepare yourself for the robot apocalypse.

Morning Meteor

Ruined By A Pee Joke & Country Music

Okay...

So I saw 2012. I was really looking forward to it actually. It's one of those movies you gotta see in the theater ya know, with all the special effects and whatnot, and I gotta say, it did not disappoint. It was absolutely insane and worth the price of the ticket Daniel bought for me, but I'll be damned if they didn't ruin the whole previous 2 hours and 37 minutes in the last seconds of the film.

They made a pee joke.

That's right. A joke about a little girl peeing her pants. That was the last line of this $200 million dollar film drowning in special-effects and (up to that point) a script that didn't make you embarrassed to like it. With a pee joke.

And then to add salt to the wound, the credits roll with the nails-on-chalkboard rang-a-tang of some awful country song about the gay dude from American Idol wanting a kiss.

I couldn't run out of that theater fast enough, completely mindblown by the film I had just seen and simultaneously infuriated by the producers choice to go so American and ruin a completely tasteful film otherwise.

The Apocalypse Wuz Here

Man yesterday was crazy. My one school had to cancel rehearsal because over half the kids were out with that swine flu, then my other school had to shut down half the building because a mersa strain of staph broke out. Add to that the rain that's been falling for almost three days straight and the fact that Shoprite no longer sells Archway cookies.... the world is definitely over.

Everyone, This Is Apophis

Apophis... Everyone.

Isn't he/she cute? (I'm not even sure what this is a photo of)

So, Hey! What are you doing on April 14th 2029? Because whatever it is, clear your calendar because you will be dead.

Apparently so will everyone on Earth. Yup, we're getting hit by an asteroid. His/her name? Apophis. Yes. Apophis is the size of a 25 story buidling and is projected to come within 18,000 miles of the Earth. That's closer than our satellites fly! Oh and PS, let's say that this Apophis fellow does happen to miss us in 2029, he'll be back around for another shot in 2036. All of the sudden asteroids can turn around.

So, mark it down. Friday the 13th of April 2029. I guess I will never live to see past 50.

Earth Doomed?

Here's something happy...


Scientists in Meyrin Switzerland have been working practically their whole lives in an underground cavern building what is called a Large Hadron Collider. "What is a Large Hadron Collider?" you say, and "Where can I get one?". Well the answer is quite simple.

A Large Hadron Collider, or as those laconic scientists like to call it, the LHC, is only the most powerful atom smasher ever built. Oooh fun! The purpose behind this 17 mile ring of supercooled mega-magnets is to discover things such as dark matter, good for speeding up the rotations of the galaxy & disrupting energy fields (I know I could use that). Another fun feature of the LHC could be discovering extra dimensions in space (finally), some say even possibly a black hole that would, in turn, swallow the Earth (fair enough). Who knows?

Comes down to, they don't really know what it's gonna do, kinda like that commercial where they build the giant slingshot and then "accidentally" fling their buddy 20 miles over the treeline. We're that buddy.

All in all, it's very exciting to think about the possibilities, and in August we will all find out what this thing does, because they're flipping the switch.

Good luck!

And no, you can't buy one.