Military Funds To Abolish The Dutch Oven

Are the flatulence molecules from your partner's farts eating away at your marriage and causing you to reach for divorce papers? Well, you might as well draw up those papers, because you deserve to be alone if you can't handle a little heat under your nostrils. But before you do that, there might be answer to all your problems. It's The Better Marriage Blanket! From their "official" website:

"The Better Marriage Blanket is made using the same kind of activated carbon fabric found in Military Chemical Suits.

As a science teacher, I had used activated carbon in my laboratory lessons and was aware that chemicals and gasses are absorbed in millions of microscopic pores in each tiny particle of activated carbon. This principal is what makes The Blanket so effective! Activated Carbon is well known in Science and Industry for its odor absorbing properties. It is safe and non-allergenic."

Somebody throw a Better Marriage Blanket over that description, because it reeks like a turd in a sauna. But let's play along anyways!

So basically, the BM Blanket is kind of like a Snuggie, but instead of keeping you warm, it hugs a fart and smothers that poop air until it's dead. That way you won't murder your loves badonk in the middle of the night. If only they made a version for dogs, because that is the real dark-side right there.